I didn't proofread this because I'm awesome.


"A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should." -Unknown

So a friend would accept me as I am (a psychotic animal) but would try to change me into what I "should" be? What exactly "should" I be, friend? Are you sure it's not what I "want" to be? How do you even know what I "should" be? How do you know me so well that you are all of a sudden qualified to dictate my direction in life? Have you been Googling me? How do you even know me? I don't know you. WHO ARE YOU? I'M CALLING THE POLICE. STALKER.


"Advice from your friends is like the weather, some of it is good; some of it is bad." -Famous Proverb

YOU DON'T SAY.


"It's easy to fall in love. The hard part is finding someone to catch you." -Bertrand Russell

Actually, it's NOT easy falling in love. It's easy falling into a deluded version of something that kind of resembles love at first, but then turns into something ugly like your fat fucking face. Infatuation is not love. And let's say someone DOES catch you... What if they're pathological? What then? Do you "ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE" TOO? Idiot.


"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back." —Anon

Way to be an honest person, you cheap prick. Get a job - Quit bumming money off people.


"To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful." -Bess Myerson

To fall in love PERIOD is fucking awful. Why? I'll tell you why, asshole: One time I fell in love with a mannequin, and all I got out of it was just that; a mannequin. Fucking bullshit - You can't cuddle with mannequins. You can't laugh with them, you can't take them out on romantic dinners or watch movies or play Metroid with them. Mannequins are useless.


"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

So... Basically... For every minute spent on a single emotion, you lose sixty seconds of any other possible emotion you could've had. Breaking news: Nobody is that fucking one-dimensional that they only experience anger and happiness. Or are they? I don't know. Personally, I experience anconfrusborppyness at all times - Which is the ultimate emotion: Anger, confusion, frustration, boredom and happiness all in one. Come at me, bro.


"All human wisdom is summed up in two words – wait and hope." -Alexander Duma

That's THREE words, asshole. But either way, "Wait"? Wait for what? You know that saying "Good things come to those who wait?" If everyone had that mentality, we'd all be standing around looking like dicks and nothing would ever get done. And "Hope"? Fine... I'll give you hope.


"A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer." -Author Unknown

That's because all children are inconsiderate goblins.


"Love is like a rainbow: the more you see it, the more you realize what a miracle it really is."

I don't know why there are so many romantic quotes. And a rainbow is a not miracle, it's a refraction of light. So love is like a refraction of light in the sense that it's ... what? Colorful? Well you know what else is colorful? Cupcakes. And I love cupcakes. Therefore, cupcakes are miracles. Clearly, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.


"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." -R. D. Laing

Wow. That is a horribly pessimistic thing to say. Congratulations, parasite.


"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." -Unknown

INCORRECT! Because if you even make a HINT at someone that they are "perfect", their "modesty" will kick in and you'll just end up looking like an arrogant jerk somehow. I don't know why or how but that's just what happens. Trust me, it happens to me ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And that's why I stopped giving people compliments and let them drown in their own self-loathing.


"If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was." -Richard Bach

This is about as retarded as that "You don't know what you got until it's gone" quote. Ok, so go ahead and set your hot girlfriends free, gentlemen; preferably to my address. I promise they will all come back to you, because I'm a lousy arrogant asshole and nobody gets along with me, especially girls that I like. (According to consensus)


"The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy." -Jim Rohn

Not if you knew how to build them. Take a course in architecture - I hear that's all the rage in community colleges.


"Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open." -Anonymous

Well, you heard anonymous - Stop locking your doors and you might attract a jolly ol' thief/rapist into your home. I can't imagine anything better.


"Love: Two minds without a single thought."

I believe two minds without a single, solitary thought are actually... empty. Yup. Empty-headed retards.


"Life without love is like a tree without fruit."

Wait... You mean life is actually a tree? Holy shit. My mind has been blown.


"Love your enemies. It really pisses them off." -Unknown

So "Kill them with kindness" huh? I think we all need to take a second and look at the word 'enemy'; an enemy is not someone who kind of doesn't like you and only tries to make your life miserable when he or she has a good reason to. A REAL enemy would want to see you suffer regardless of how nice you are to them and whether he or she has a good reason to or not... He or she might also want to kill you. A REAL enemy would hate you to the core, and ANY opportunity to make your life hell is taken without hesitation. THAT is a REAL enemy. So don't get it twisted - The person who just beats around the bush when it comes to disliking you is a coward. Your real enemies would shove the bush down your fucking happy, smiley throat and NO, YOU SHOULDN'T KEEP THEM CLOSER THAN YOUR FRIENDS EITHER. THAT IS DANGEROUSLY STUPID.


"Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart." -Unknown

And someone even MORE special to catch your Pokemon. That is true love.


"You must be the change you want to see in the world." -Gandhi

Except when you're outnumbered. Then, you just play along, right?


"Don't use the past as an excuse to miss out on your future." -Alan Cohen

Hmm, that's very true... Hey, wait just a goddamn minute, doesn't "History always repeat itself"? So if it does, wouldn't looking at my past for reference be the wiser choice? Fuck you, Alan. I thought we were friends. Hmph. I should've known! *cries*


"Be as the still mountain; Move like the great river." -Lao-Tzu

I'm a human being. I don't quite meet the requirements to be a mountain nor river so that's horseshit advice.  


"Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men." -John F. Kennedy

And eventually, we'd be so goddamn strong that we'd be SUPER-SAIYAN GIGARGANTUAN STRONG MEN... From MARS!!! or Earth. Whatever. Prayer doesn't work. Not for me.


"What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?" -Dr. Robert Schuller

Everything. What's your point? Why are you posing this question? Where does this lead? You're wasting my fucking time. I can't do this anymore...


"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on." -Thomas Jefferson

Except most people need TWO hands to tie a knot, dickcheese.


"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched … but are felt in the heart." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Like Cardiac Arrest. Right? ...RIGHT?! That doesn't even make any fucking sense.



I. CAN'T. GO. ON.